Yes, he did and my heart broke because I didn't have the funds to put onto the phone account. If he would have waited one more day.... So I'm hoping he tries again tomorrow. I kept saying it into the phone but I have no idea if he could hear me or not. So here is hoping.
Besides his missed phone call I was able to get a bunch done today. A dentist appointment set up for the kids and I signed up for C, that should help with these growing boys and their milk consumption. LOL. I also got the chance to look into therapy for Lucas, myself and our family. I think it will really help us a lot over the course of the next year while Sonny is away and who knows maybe once he gets out he will want to come and join a session too. Maybe it will help us all heal. Didn't make any calls on that aspect yet though... I have to wait until after the New Year when everyone goes back to work.
My mouth us still in agony, I'm having to force myself to eat cause it hurts so bad but Dentists around her apparently take the school calender up as well and take off for the two weeks for Christmas and new years... so it looks like I'm screwed until next week. Its going to be a long weekend. BUT I get to steak my nephew Bentley away and that should help some of my depression. He is getting so big so fast and makes me really anxious to meet my little Olivia.
Well I'm off for now! Hoping for a good day tomorrow and who knows maybe Ill be able to talk to Sonny and get some closure on that aspect of my life.
Night All!!
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Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
My Random thoughts on alcoholism and some info Ive come across
Alcoholism is an insidious disease. It takes a normal, functioning family member and can change them into a scheming, numbed, desperate and angry person. Time and time again, when confronted with his disease, he will emphatically state that they don't have a problem. This makes a huge problem for the entire family.
People are often shocked when they find out that alcohol is considered the most dangerous drug a person can ingest. That’s right, it is more dangerous than heroin, crystal meth, OxyContin and cocaine. Why is this? How can something that is so readily available to the public be so toxic to the body?
One of the main reasons behind alcohol being so dangerous is the way that it reduces the person’s ability to control their actions and their body. The more alcohol a person drinks the less control they have when they are talking, driving, operating any type of heavy machinery, watching their children, cooking or any other activities that people consider they can do while under the influence of alcohol. When a person has a large amount of alcohol in their system they are more susceptible to accidents, ranging from minor to fatal.
Another reason why alcohol is dangerous is because of its effects on the brain. Normally, one of the brain’s functions is to produce Gabba, which is a natural, anti-anxiety medicine. Once alcohol is consumed some of it turns into Gabba, tricking the brain into thinking that there is more of the chemical. What happens, is that the brain stops producing Gabba and just relies on the alcohol to handle that function. So, when alcoholics complain about anxiety, it is because they are severely lacking Gabba.
One of the main reasons behind alcohol being so dangerous is the way that it reduces the person’s ability to control their actions and their body. The more alcohol a person drinks the less control they have when they are talking, driving, operating any type of heavy machinery, watching their children, cooking or any other activities that people consider they can do while under the influence of alcohol. When a person has a large amount of alcohol in their system they are more susceptible to accidents, ranging from minor to fatal.
Another reason why alcohol is dangerous is because of its effects on the brain. Normally, one of the brain’s functions is to produce Gabba, which is a natural, anti-anxiety medicine. Once alcohol is consumed some of it turns into Gabba, tricking the brain into thinking that there is more of the chemical. What happens, is that the brain stops producing Gabba and just relies on the alcohol to handle that function. So, when alcoholics complain about anxiety, it is because they are severely lacking Gabba.
Do not cover his drinking habit, as it will contribute to his habit. Instead face the reality and make him realize it too, if he does not honestly do that. Being an enabler you will be indirectly helping him drink.
The Disease of Alcoholism
There are, and have been, many theories about alcoholism. The most prevailing theory, and now most commonly accepted, is called the Disease Model.
Its basic tenets are that alcoholism is a disease with recognizable symptoms, causes, and methods of treatment. In addition, there are several stages of the disease which are often described as early, middle, late, treatment and relapse.
While it is not essential to fully define these stages, it is useful to understand them in terms of how the disease presents itself.
This series of articles describes the signs and symptoms of each stage as well as exploring treatment options.
- Early or Adaptive Stage
- Middle Stage
- Late Stage
- Treating Alcoholism
- Relapse to drinking
1 – The Early or Adaptive Stage of Alcoholism
The early or adaptive stage of alcoholism is marked by increasing tolerance to alcohol and physical adaptations in the body which are largely unseen.
This increased tolerance is marked by the alcoholic’s ability to consume greater quantities of alcohol while appearing to suffer few effects and continuing to function. This tolerance is not created simply because the alcoholic drinks too much but rather because the alcoholic is able to drink great quantities because of physical changes going on inside his or her body.
The early stage is difficult to detect. By appearances, an individual may be able to drink a great deal without becoming intoxicated, having hangovers, or suffering other apparent ill-effects from alcohol. An early stage alcoholic is often indistinguishable from a non-alcoholic who happens to be a fairly heavy drinker.
In the workplace, there is likely to be little or no obvious impact on the alcoholic’s performance or conduct at work. At this stage, the alcoholic is not likely to see any problem with his or her drinking and would scoff at any attempts to indicate that he or she might have a problem. The alcoholic is simply not aware of what is going on in his or her body.
2 – The Middle Stage of Alcoholism
There is no clear line between the early and middle stages of alcoholism, but there are several characteristics that mark a new stage of the disease.
Many of the pleasures and benefits that the alcoholic obtained from drinking during the early stage are now being replaced by the destructive facets of alcohol abuse. The drinking that was done for the purpose of getting high is now being replaced by drinking to combat the pain and misery caused by prior drinking.
One basic characteristic of the middle stage is physical dependence. In the early stage, the alcoholic’s tolerance to greater amounts of alcohol is increasing. Along with this, however, the body becomes used to these amounts of alcohol and now suffers from withdrawal when the alcohol is not present.
Another basic characteristic of the middle stage is craving. Alcoholics develop a very powerful urge to drink which they are eventually unable to control. As the alcoholic’s tolerance increases along with the physical dependence, the alcoholic loses his or her ability to control drinking and craves alcohol.
The third characteristic of the middle stage is loss of control. The alcoholic simply loses his or her ability to limit his or her drinking to socially acceptable times, patterns, and places. This loss of control is due to a decrease in the alcoholic’s tolerance and an increase in the withdrawal symptoms. The alcoholic cannot handle as much alcohol as they once could without getting drunk, yet needs increasing amounts to avoid withdrawal.
Another feature of middle stage alcoholics is blackouts. Contrary to what you might assume, the alcoholic does not actually pass out during these episodes. Instead, the alcoholic continues to function but is unable to remember what he or she has done or has been. Basically, the alcoholic simply can’t remember these episodes because the brain has either stored these memories improperly or has not stored them at all. Blackouts may also occur in early stage alcoholics.
Impairment becomes evident in the workplace during the middle stage. The alcoholic battles with loss of control, withdrawal symptoms, and cravings. This will become apparent at work in terms of any or all of the following: increased and unpredictable absences, poorly performed work assignments, behavior problems with co-workers, inability to concentrate, accidents, increased use of sick leave, and possible deterioration in overall appearance and demeanor. This is the point where the alcoholic employee may be facing disciplinary action.
3 – The Late Stage of Alcoholism
The late, or deteriorative stage, is best identified as the point at which the damage to the body from the toxic effects of alcohol is evident, and the alcoholic is suffering from a host of ailments.
An alcoholic in the final stages may be destitute, extremely ill, mentally confused, and drinking almost constantly. The alcoholic in this stage is suffering from many physical and psychological problems due to the damage to vital organs. His or her immunity to infections is lowered, and the employee’s mental condition is very unstable.
Some of the very serious medical conditions the alcoholic faces at this point include heart failure, fatty liver, hepatitis, cirrhosis of the liver, malnutrition, pancreatitis, respiratory infections, and brain damage, some of which is reversible.
Why does an alcoholic continue to drink despite the known facts about the disease and the obvious adverse consequences of continued drinking? The answer to this question is quite simple. In the early stage, the alcoholic does not consider himself or herself sick because his or her tolerance is increasing. In the middle stage, the alcoholic is unknowingly physically dependent on alcohol. He or she simply finds that continuing to use alcohol will prevent the problems of withdrawal. By the time an alcoholic is in the late stage, he or she is often irrational, deluded, and unable to understand what has happened.
In addition to the effects of these changes, the alcoholic is faced with one of the most powerful facets of addiction: denial. An alcoholic will deny that he or she has a problem. This denial is a very strong force. If an alcoholic did not deny the existence of a problem, he or she would most likely seek help when faced with the overwhelming problems caused by drinking. While denial is not a diagnosable physical symptom or psychiatric disorder, it is an accurate description of the state of the alcoholic’s behavior and thinking and is very real.
4 – Treating Alcoholism
An alcoholic will rarely stop drinking and stay sober without outside help. Also, he or she usually will not stop drinking without some kind of outside pressure. This pressure may come from family, friends, clergy, other health care professionals, law enforcement or judicial authorities, or an employer. For example, a spouse may threaten divorce, or the alcoholic may be arrested for driving under the influence.
One Can Quit Anytime in the Cycle
There was at one time a widespread belief that alcoholics would not get help until they had “hit bottom.” This theory has generally been discredited as many early and middle stage alcoholics have quit drinking when faced with consequences such as the loss of a job, a divorce, or a convincing warning from a physician regarding the potentially fatal consequences of continued drinking.
Early Treatment
There are obvious advantages to getting the alcoholic into treatment earlier rather than later. One advantage is that, the earlier treatment is begun, the probability of having less expensive treatment, such as outpatient care, is increased. There is also a greater likelihood of success in treatment with an individual who has not yet lost everything and still has a supportive environment to return to, including an intact family, good health, and a job. In addition, the employer has a stake in the early treatment of alcoholism, since the employee will have a greater chance of returning sooner to full functioning on the job if the disease is arrested at an earlier point. Early treatment is simply less disruptive and can help the alcoholic avoid further misconduct and poor performance. If an alcoholic doesn’t get help until very late in the disease, there may have been irreparable harm done.
Responsibility for Treatment
The alcoholic does not initially have to want to get help to go into treatment. Many people go into treatment because of some kind of threat such as loss of a job, divorce or possible incarceration. However, even the individual that is forced will eventually have to personally accept the need for treatment for it to be effective. Employers are a very potent force in getting the alcoholic into treatment. The threat of the loss of a job is often the push the alcoholic needs to enter treatment.
There are various kinds of treatment and programs for alcoholism. Though some alcoholics do stop drinking on their own, this is rare. Most alcoholics require some type of treatment or help.
5 – Relapse
An important and frustrating facet of treating alcoholism is relapse or a return to drinking and is common. An alcoholic often relapses due to a variety of factors including:
- inadequate treatment or follow-up,
- cravings for alcohol that are difficult to control,
- failure by the alcoholic to follow treatment instructions,
- failure to change lifestyle,
- use of other mood altering drugs, and
- other untreated mental or physical illnesses.
Relapses are not always a return to constant drinking and may only be a one time occurrence. However, relapses must be dealt with and seen as a sign to the alcoholic that there are areas of his or her treatment and recovery that need work. Relapse prevention is an area in the treatment field that is receiving increased attention and research. A basic part of any effective treatment program will include relapse prevention activities.
How to help an alcoholic (Wish Id have read this before....)
Since you’re here, you probably have a friend or loved one who is an alcoholic. And you probably want to know: how do you help an alcoholic in the real world? What can you do that will make a difference? Let’s find out:
If you try to control another person’s drinking, you are going to experience a loss of control and real powerlessness. Instead, if you focus on changing your own behavior, you will experience full control and an empowering mindset. This is how you go about helping an alcoholic: by focusing on your own behavior and how you choose to interact with the alcoholic….not by focusing on how you can manipulate or change the other person.
Keep reading. I will explain more below about how changing your behavior can help the alcoholic.
There are no secret tricks or manipulations when it comes to this stuff. Some people imagine that there might be a way to threaten or coerce an alcoholic into quitting drinking. There definitely is not. If you threaten them, they will simply withdrawal further away from you.
Most, if not all alcoholics, are slowly self destructing, and they know it. Threats mean nothing to someone who is self destructing. You can’t intimidate someone who has nothing to lose. It is simply more fuel for the alcoholic fire.
Trying to shame an alcoholic into sobriety doesn’t work either. If you succeed in shaming them, this will only make them want to drink more because they will truly feel shamed. The alcoholic really is a sick person. Would you shame a disabled person? Of course not.
So basically, there is no way to directly convince an alcoholic to quit drinking.
All efforts to influence an alcoholics behavior are going to be mostly indirect, but this does not make them unimportant. You can influence their behavior and decisions, just not in a very fast or direct manner. More on this below.
Recovering alcoholics who are sober now will talk about a point of surrender that they reached in their drinking. Virtually every one of them that you talk to can pinpoint that moment of surrender, when they finally threw in the towel and stopped fighting against their disease. This is the moment of surrender. This is where recovery starts.
No one knows how to induce this moment. If we did then we would have solved the problem of addiction and recovery. The best we can do is to encourage people towards this moment.
Once someone has reached the point of surrender, anything you do to help them will basically work. Any treatment center you send them to will produce good results. If they have not yet reached the point of surrender, then nothing you do will matter. At all. Nothing you do can overcome a lack of surrender. The alcoholic is still fighting and struggling and trying to control things and it’s just not going to work.
So how can you convince them to go to treatment? Simply offer to take them to treatment. If they’re not interested, then it makes no sense to press them further, because they are not ready. Even if you can somehow manipulate them into it, you are wasting your time. Not ready means not ready. And this has never been more true than when it comes to quitting drinking.
The best we can do is to be prepared to get them into treatment when the moment is right. Have a plan, make some calls, see what is available for alcoholic help. Then when the person has finally surrendered, you will have some options as to where you can take them.
How do you know when they’ve surrendered? When they ask for help. When they are ready to change on your terms, not on their terms. When they throw up their arms and say “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. Show me how to live,” that is surrender. That is the start of recovery. Anything else on their part is more manipulation (such as “give me money,” or “I promise to go to treatment next week.”).
But an intervention still might have benefits, even if it can not force recovery to happen instantly. For one thing, a formal intervention can:
1) Let the alcoholic know that people do care.
2) Show them that help is available (in the form of treatment).
3) Be a step towards their eventual surrender, even if it doesn’t get them clean and sober right now.
So if you are considering an intervention, understand that while the goal of the intervention is probably for the alcoholic to attend a treatment center and never drink again, this is probably an unrealistic expectation and you shouldn’t get your hopes up that high. More likely it is a step on their path to eventual sobriety. It might plant a seed for their awakening later on. Keep this in mind if things don’t go perfectly as planned. How do you help an alcoholic? Not by whacking them with a two by four, unfortunately. It takes gentle nudging in the right direction, and this idea of “planting a seed” is just that type of nudging.
What is enabling?
It’s just what it sounds like. If you enable an alcoholic, you allow them to continue drinking when they otherwise might have had to stop for some reason. But this gets tricky, because sometimes when we try to help an alcoholic, we are actually enabling them. Other times when we think we are “hurting” an alcoholic, we are actually helping them by observing healthy boundaries. Figuring out the difference here is critical.
If you can stop enabling the alcoholic, then this will get them closer and closer to facing reality and making an eventual decision to stop drinking on their own. This is the goal of helping the alcoholic–to force them to examine their own reality and hopefully make a change. Trying to convince them verbally is pointless. Threatening them is pointless. The key is to not enable them. Here’s how to go about doing that:
1) Don’t deny them consequences of their drinking
If the alcoholic in your life gets pulled over for drunk driving and lands in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. Sitting in jail is a natural consequence of their behavior, and they need to experience that consequence. It is part of the learning process. If you deny them that consequence, then they cannot learn.
Obviously, it might take several consequences before the alcoholic “wakes up” and decides to try something different (like recovery). But if there are never any consequences, why would the alcoholic ever decide to change? They wouldn’t. So do not deny them the natural consequences that occur due to their drinking.
This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to punish them or get them into trouble. Just let them fall on their face. If you keep “putting pillows under them” when they fall, then they will never be motivated to change.
2) Understand when you are helping versus enabling
Genuinely helping an alcoholic would involve things such as directing them to a treatment center, encouraging them to get help, or possibly taking them to an AA meeting. Examples of enabling behavior would be like if the alcoholic needs to borrow 50 dollars to keep their electricity turned on.
Just because the alcoholic needs money for something other than drinking does not mean you should give it to them. In fact, you should never loan or give money to someone who is still drinking, regardless of what they need it for. Doing so is enabling because they will continue to spend their other funds on drugs and alcohol.
Your approach to “helping” them needs to become very “hands-off.” The only way to really help them is when it is directly linked to a recovery effort (such as going to meetings or rehab). Everything else you might do for them is just manipulation and control on their part. Help for alcoholics does not come in the form of money or favors. Knowledge and encouragement is what they really need.
Beware of bargaining as well. “Loan me 50 bucks today and I promise I will go to rehab on Monday” does not cut it. Never bargain with them like this. It’s just more manipulation. If they want to bargain, you set the terms, not them. For example: “I will drive you to rehab on Monday if you are still willing to go.”
3) Understand and practice detachment
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times.
If you really want to help an alcoholic then you must start practicing detachment. Doing so will save your sanity as well as to start pushing the alcoholic closer to facing their own reality. That’s because your detachment will force them to examine their own actions instead of your reactions. When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s outrageous behavior, it takes away an “out” that the alcoholic can use to shift the focus.
Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
4) Set healthy limits and boundaries
How can we know what healthy boundaries are? By separating the disease from the alcoholic.
In other words, if the person were not drinking, would they still need you to bail them out of jail or call in sick to work for them? Of course not. So don’t do those things for them, ever.
Always ask yourself before attempting to “help” the alcoholic: “Could they do this for themselves if they weren’t drinking?” If the answer is yes, then you should not “help” them with it.
Likewise, if the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior….ever.
If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.
This is the process of setting healthy limits and boundaries. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior on their part, regardless of whether or not they have been drinking. In other words, the drinking can no longer be an excuse for their behavior. Separate the disease from the person and act accordingly.
Sometime, when the alcoholic is sober, you will want to communicate your limits and boundaries with them. This doesn’t have to be an angry argument. Simply tell them in advance how you will behave under certain conditions. For example: “I will not loan you money in the future, regardless of what you need it for. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not call in sick to work for you if you are hung over.” And so on.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through with it. This is the only way to affect lasting change in the relationship.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow through with. Don’t do it. Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
5) Don’t react to their drinking episodes.
Most of the big arguments happen when an alcoholic gets out of control and either gets into trouble or makes a fool of themselves. We have a tendency to react to these situations, and it is natural for us to believe that the greater our reaction is, the more likely it is to change their behavior (or at least get through to them so that they hear us). This is the wrong strategy.
When you react to their drinking episode, they can shift to focusing on to your reaction instead of on their behavior. Carry on as normal and they are forced to examine their part in things. Stop giving them fuel for their fire by reacting and blowing up at them. This just creates arguments and possibly drives them into isolation and more drinking.
This idea of non-reaction does not mean that you forget about your limits and boundaries. By all means, stick to your guns with them. That is extremely important.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
This is how to enforce limits and boundaries…with action instead of arguing. With detachment instead of emotional turmoil.
2) Don’t enable. Never do for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves if they were sober.
3) Don’t react. Stop blowing up at the alcoholic and thinking that this will change things. Ignore their episodes and they will be forced to look at themselves for once.Pin It
First things first: work on changing your behavior, not the alcoholic
It is a hard fact to swallow at first, but the truth of the matter is that you are probably not going to be able to directly change an alcoholic’s behavior. Manipulating or threatening the alcoholic will only drive them deeper into isolation and heavy drinking.If you try to control another person’s drinking, you are going to experience a loss of control and real powerlessness. Instead, if you focus on changing your own behavior, you will experience full control and an empowering mindset. This is how you go about helping an alcoholic: by focusing on your own behavior and how you choose to interact with the alcoholic….not by focusing on how you can manipulate or change the other person.
Keep reading. I will explain more below about how changing your behavior can help the alcoholic.
How can I convince an alcoholic to quit drinking?
This is a very difficult thing to do, most would say it is downright impossible. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference in the potential sobriety of a person. Show your support as best you can and let them know that you will support them in any way that you can if they choose to stop drinking.There are no secret tricks or manipulations when it comes to this stuff. Some people imagine that there might be a way to threaten or coerce an alcoholic into quitting drinking. There definitely is not. If you threaten them, they will simply withdrawal further away from you.
Most, if not all alcoholics, are slowly self destructing, and they know it. Threats mean nothing to someone who is self destructing. You can’t intimidate someone who has nothing to lose. It is simply more fuel for the alcoholic fire.
Trying to shame an alcoholic into sobriety doesn’t work either. If you succeed in shaming them, this will only make them want to drink more because they will truly feel shamed. The alcoholic really is a sick person. Would you shame a disabled person? Of course not.
So basically, there is no way to directly convince an alcoholic to quit drinking.
All efforts to influence an alcoholics behavior are going to be mostly indirect, but this does not make them unimportant. You can influence their behavior and decisions, just not in a very fast or direct manner. More on this below.
How can I help an alcoholic make the decision to go to treatment?
Much like trying to convince someone to quit drinking, this can be a difficult task. But getting someone to agree to treatment is much easier, but at the same time, it is probably not very useful. Here’s why:Recovering alcoholics who are sober now will talk about a point of surrender that they reached in their drinking. Virtually every one of them that you talk to can pinpoint that moment of surrender, when they finally threw in the towel and stopped fighting against their disease. This is the moment of surrender. This is where recovery starts.
No one knows how to induce this moment. If we did then we would have solved the problem of addiction and recovery. The best we can do is to encourage people towards this moment.
Once someone has reached the point of surrender, anything you do to help them will basically work. Any treatment center you send them to will produce good results. If they have not yet reached the point of surrender, then nothing you do will matter. At all. Nothing you do can overcome a lack of surrender. The alcoholic is still fighting and struggling and trying to control things and it’s just not going to work.
So how can you convince them to go to treatment? Simply offer to take them to treatment. If they’re not interested, then it makes no sense to press them further, because they are not ready. Even if you can somehow manipulate them into it, you are wasting your time. Not ready means not ready. And this has never been more true than when it comes to quitting drinking.
The best we can do is to be prepared to get them into treatment when the moment is right. Have a plan, make some calls, see what is available for alcoholic help. Then when the person has finally surrendered, you will have some options as to where you can take them.
How do you know when they’ve surrendered? When they ask for help. When they are ready to change on your terms, not on their terms. When they throw up their arms and say “I’ll do whatever you tell me to do. Show me how to live,” that is surrender. That is the start of recovery. Anything else on their part is more manipulation (such as “give me money,” or “I promise to go to treatment next week.”).
How can I organize an effective intervention for an alcoholic?
I have already written extensively about interventions, and I have a small bit of experience with them. I still think it is a possible option in some situations, but for the most part I am starting to see more and more evidence that formal interventions are almost never helpful. There is a sliver of hope here, though, because they occasionally do work in guiding an alcoholic towards recovery. But more and more I am seeing that they are never the magic bullet we think they might be; they cannot possibly be an instrument of real change. An intervention can not be the switch that goes off in the alcoholic’s mind that creates real surrender. That switch must be flipped in some other way, unfortunately, and there is seemingly no rhyme or reason to it.But an intervention still might have benefits, even if it can not force recovery to happen instantly. For one thing, a formal intervention can:
1) Let the alcoholic know that people do care.
2) Show them that help is available (in the form of treatment).
3) Be a step towards their eventual surrender, even if it doesn’t get them clean and sober right now.
So if you are considering an intervention, understand that while the goal of the intervention is probably for the alcoholic to attend a treatment center and never drink again, this is probably an unrealistic expectation and you shouldn’t get your hopes up that high. More likely it is a step on their path to eventual sobriety. It might plant a seed for their awakening later on. Keep this in mind if things don’t go perfectly as planned. How do you help an alcoholic? Not by whacking them with a two by four, unfortunately. It takes gentle nudging in the right direction, and this idea of “planting a seed” is just that type of nudging.
How can I stop enabling an alcoholic?
This is really the core strategy that you need to focus on in your dealings with another alcoholic or addict: do not enable them.What is enabling?
It’s just what it sounds like. If you enable an alcoholic, you allow them to continue drinking when they otherwise might have had to stop for some reason. But this gets tricky, because sometimes when we try to help an alcoholic, we are actually enabling them. Other times when we think we are “hurting” an alcoholic, we are actually helping them by observing healthy boundaries. Figuring out the difference here is critical.
If you can stop enabling the alcoholic, then this will get them closer and closer to facing reality and making an eventual decision to stop drinking on their own. This is the goal of helping the alcoholic–to force them to examine their own reality and hopefully make a change. Trying to convince them verbally is pointless. Threatening them is pointless. The key is to not enable them. Here’s how to go about doing that:
1) Don’t deny them consequences of their drinking
If the alcoholic in your life gets pulled over for drunk driving and lands in jail, leave them there. Do not bail them out. Sitting in jail is a natural consequence of their behavior, and they need to experience that consequence. It is part of the learning process. If you deny them that consequence, then they cannot learn.
Obviously, it might take several consequences before the alcoholic “wakes up” and decides to try something different (like recovery). But if there are never any consequences, why would the alcoholic ever decide to change? They wouldn’t. So do not deny them the natural consequences that occur due to their drinking.
This doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to punish them or get them into trouble. Just let them fall on their face. If you keep “putting pillows under them” when they fall, then they will never be motivated to change.
2) Understand when you are helping versus enabling
Genuinely helping an alcoholic would involve things such as directing them to a treatment center, encouraging them to get help, or possibly taking them to an AA meeting. Examples of enabling behavior would be like if the alcoholic needs to borrow 50 dollars to keep their electricity turned on.
Just because the alcoholic needs money for something other than drinking does not mean you should give it to them. In fact, you should never loan or give money to someone who is still drinking, regardless of what they need it for. Doing so is enabling because they will continue to spend their other funds on drugs and alcohol.
Your approach to “helping” them needs to become very “hands-off.” The only way to really help them is when it is directly linked to a recovery effort (such as going to meetings or rehab). Everything else you might do for them is just manipulation and control on their part. Help for alcoholics does not come in the form of money or favors. Knowledge and encouragement is what they really need.
Beware of bargaining as well. “Loan me 50 bucks today and I promise I will go to rehab on Monday” does not cut it. Never bargain with them like this. It’s just more manipulation. If they want to bargain, you set the terms, not them. For example: “I will drive you to rehab on Monday if you are still willing to go.”
3) Understand and practice detachment
Detachment is the idea that the disease of alcoholism is separate from the alcoholic themselves. It’s the idea that we can love a person but hate their disease. When we practice detachment, we can view an alcoholic’s outrageous behavior as being part of their disease without taking it so personally. We can still love them even though they are sick and their behavior is unacceptable at times.
If you really want to help an alcoholic then you must start practicing detachment. Doing so will save your sanity as well as to start pushing the alcoholic closer to facing their own reality. That’s because your detachment will force them to examine their own actions instead of your reactions. When you stop reacting to the alcoholic’s outrageous behavior, it takes away an “out” that the alcoholic can use to shift the focus.
Detachment is not easy, and you might not do it perfectly at all times. But it’s important to understand the concept and to practice it as best you can. Even if it seems like you are distancing yourself from the alcoholic, it is still the healthiest behavior you can choose. You are choosing to distance yourself from their disease and the emotional turmoil that it creates.
4) Set healthy limits and boundaries
How can we know what healthy boundaries are? By separating the disease from the alcoholic.
In other words, if the person were not drinking, would they still need you to bail them out of jail or call in sick to work for them? Of course not. So don’t do those things for them, ever.
Always ask yourself before attempting to “help” the alcoholic: “Could they do this for themselves if they weren’t drinking?” If the answer is yes, then you should not “help” them with it.
Likewise, if the alcoholic is drunk and is engaging in unacceptable behavior (such as being verbally abusive for example), would that behavior be acceptable to you if they were sober? If the answer is no, then you should not tolerate that behavior….ever.
If their behavior is unacceptable when they are drunk then it is unacceptable, period. You should not tolerate it if you would not expect it from them if they were sober.
This is the process of setting healthy limits and boundaries. You have to decide what is acceptable behavior on their part, regardless of whether or not they have been drinking. In other words, the drinking can no longer be an excuse for their behavior. Separate the disease from the person and act accordingly.
Sometime, when the alcoholic is sober, you will want to communicate your limits and boundaries with them. This doesn’t have to be an angry argument. Simply tell them in advance how you will behave under certain conditions. For example: “I will not loan you money in the future, regardless of what you need it for. I will not bail you out of jail. I will not call in sick to work for you if you are hung over.” And so on.
Always, always, always follow through on your promises. Never make idle threats. Say what you mean and follow through with it. This is the only way to affect lasting change in the relationship.
You might be tempted to make a threat that you do not intend to follow through with. Don’t do it. Only set limits that you fully intend to enforce.
5) Don’t react to their drinking episodes.
Most of the big arguments happen when an alcoholic gets out of control and either gets into trouble or makes a fool of themselves. We have a tendency to react to these situations, and it is natural for us to believe that the greater our reaction is, the more likely it is to change their behavior (or at least get through to them so that they hear us). This is the wrong strategy.
When you react to their drinking episode, they can shift to focusing on to your reaction instead of on their behavior. Carry on as normal and they are forced to examine their part in things. Stop giving them fuel for their fire by reacting and blowing up at them. This just creates arguments and possibly drives them into isolation and more drinking.
This idea of non-reaction does not mean that you forget about your limits and boundaries. By all means, stick to your guns with them. That is extremely important.
Enforce limits and boundaries with decisive action–action that you had previously decided on in a rational moment of clarity and probably also communicated to the alcoholic. In the heat of the moment, do not react. Do not pour fuel on the fire. Simply follow through with the actions that you decided on (such as, “if you come home drunk again, I’m going to go stay over at a friend’s house for the night,” or whatever the case may be).
This is how to enforce limits and boundaries…with action instead of arguing. With detachment instead of emotional turmoil.
Action items – What you can do:
1) Detach. Separate the person from the disease and act accordingly.2) Don’t enable. Never do for the alcoholic what they could do for themselves if they were sober.
3) Don’t react. Stop blowing up at the alcoholic and thinking that this will change things. Ignore their episodes and they will be forced to look at themselves for once.Pin It
Sunday, December 25, 2011
The Mask I Wear
Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of women, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am every man
and every woman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.Pin It
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!
My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my
weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that
knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls
I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,
The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.
It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of women, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am every man
and every woman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the face I wear.Pin It
Today
So as any of you could tell. Today was really hard for me. The woman that thinks she is with Sonny decided today of all days to rub it in my face that she had him before he went to prison. She changed her FB pic to one of them looking very happy and my pregnancy hormones got the best of me. I completely lost it. In his letters to me, he writes how he loves me and wants us to be a family again and how he cant to wake up next to me and he is only surviving where he is because he knows each day is one more day closer to us. So today after seeing the photo change on facebook and talking to a few mutual friends, I decided to write her, not to start any trouble but as a woman I felt she had the right to know that he was (in everyones opinion) playing both sides. She was saying he told her he was going to marry her and they would live happily ever after once he was released so I let her know that is writing me telling the sweet nothings I want to hear as well. I told her I was only telling her because I would want to know if the roles were reversed. She wrote me back calling me a hallucinogenic whore that didnt know how to let go. My heart broke. She said I was too stupid to know when the game was lost and she was the victor, she one his heart and she didnt believe my lies. He wouldnt do that to her. I tried to inform her that he was obviously doing it to the both of us if what she was saying was true about what he was telling her. She called me a few more choice names and then blocked me on facebook. So now I am more confused then ever. I went back to his letters and read them aloud to my mom and asked her if I was reading to far into things, if my pregnancy hormones were having me romanticize the situation. Everyone I have talked to since agrees there is NO WAY to misinterpret his words. He says things like how he cant wait to wake up next to me and love his family with his big fat dog (I have his dog) or sit around the house and watch Kathy (my mother) do something rediculously funny (as she is prone to us making fun of her). He calls me "his love" and calls me by my pet name "button".
My brain hurts from thinking everything over and over and over and my heart breaks everytime I think if her hateful words and the worst part is.... until he gets out Ill never trust it. I wont be able to say for sure its me he wants... IF it is me he wants he is going to have to prove it and actions are all that can do that. Words mean nothing to me at this point. Im so lost in the betrayal and the pain that Im not sure Ill find my way back out any time soon.
Thats how my Christmas went...Pin It
My brain hurts from thinking everything over and over and over and my heart breaks everytime I think if her hateful words and the worst part is.... until he gets out Ill never trust it. I wont be able to say for sure its me he wants... IF it is me he wants he is going to have to prove it and actions are all that can do that. Words mean nothing to me at this point. Im so lost in the betrayal and the pain that Im not sure Ill find my way back out any time soon.
Thats how my Christmas went...Pin It
Saturday, December 24, 2011
A soldiers night before Christmas
In a one bedroom house made of plaster & stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give
And to see just who in this home did live.
I looked all about a strange sight I did see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kind
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, so dark and dreary,
I knew I had found the home of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
I heard stories about them, I had to see more
So I walked down the hall and pushed open the door.
And there he lay sleeping silent alone,
Curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home.
His face so gentle, his room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I’d just read?
Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?
His head was clean shaven, his weathered face tan,
I soon understood this was more then a man.
For I realized the families that I saw that night
Owed their lives to these men who were willing to fight.
Soon ‘round the world, the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the day,
Because of soldiers like this one lying here.
I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone
On a cold Christmas Eve in a land far from home.
Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The solder awakened and I heard a rough voice,
“Santa don’t cry, this life is my choice;
I fight for freedom, I don’t ask for more,
My life is my God, my country, my Corps.”
With that he rolled over and drifted off into sleep,
I couldn’t control it, I continued to weep.
I watched him for hours, so silent and still,
I noticed he shivered from the cold night’s chill.
So I took off my jacket, the one made of red,
And I covered this Soldier from his toes to his head.
And I put on his T-shirt of gray and black,
With an eagle and an Army patch embroidered on back.
And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride,
And for a shining moment, I was United States Army deep inside.
I didn’t want to leave him on that cold dark night,
This guardian of honor so willing to fight.
Then the soldier rolled over, whispered with a voice so clean and pure,
“Carry on Santa, it’s Christmas day, all is secure.”
One look at my watch, and I knew he was right,
Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night!
THANK YOU TO THE SOLDIERS PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE WHO FIGHT FOR MY FAMILY'S RIGHT TO BE FREE. WHO LIVE AND DIE FOR US AND WHO MAKE THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE TODAY, TOMORROW AND EVERYDAY. FOR YOU I AM TRULY THANKFUL. GOD BLESS!!
Pin It
Merry Christmas!!
Well today is frustrating enough. The boys have waited for today to be the worst behaved kids in the history of kids misbehaving on Christmas Eve. Why?!?!?! So frustrating, that's for sure. Trying to occupy their time with movies and playing outside and we're even going to play with massive amounts of play doh but they just don't want to listen and I'm being forced to raise my voice more often than I would care for, today especially. I seem to be grumpier than usual today as well. I'm just tired I think, I didn't sleep well last night and I know that tomorrow will be a disappointment present-wise to the boys. Not having their dad is depressing and its just me the boys and my mom, who seems to be a nagging b!t*h today as well. All morning she has been yelling at the boys to stop doing this and stop doing that.... over trivial things like sitting upside down on the furniture but completely ignoring the absolutely bad behavior. It drives me nuts and puts me in a worse mood. Hopefully, some baking will help me turn this frown upside down and I can get on with my day. I guess we will see!
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and a truly blessed holiday season.
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Christmas
This Christmas is proving to be extra hard on the boys and I. To have more of an understanding of why its harder on us, Ill need to give ya some background story to go with it!
Almost 6 years ago (it'll be 6 years ago this spring), I met the love of my life. The only person in the world that could understand everything about me. The only person (of the opposite sex) that wouldn't ever judge me for past transgressions, he had plenty of his own (I learned over the years). From the moment we met, he was my best friend. I was a school girl with him. We stayed up late and talked for hours on end without it being sexual. Over the course of the next month he would become my closest friend and I felt comfortable telling him everything. He was a recovering (at least I thought he was in recovery) meth addict. I didnt judge him, who was I to judge him? He wanted to do better and was trying, so I wouldnt abandon him. About 2 months into our friendship (the first month we were strictly friends) I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 and he was 29. He already had 3 kids and we weren't expecting this at all. Getting to detailed I suppose... Over the next 2 years we ended up having 2 kids all together. You met them earlier :) Sonny was finally able to kick the Meth habit (when our oldest was a newborn) We got engaged and became even closer, if that was possible. Sonny however, has a very addictive personality and started drinking more and more often. I didn't see the red flags at first but after our youngest was about 3-4 months old, we had our first "incident" and he was sent to jail for assault IV: domestic violence. It was a very rough time for us. We were scheduled to be married less than 30 days later. I know, a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, DONT DO IT, but I did, against everyone's advice. I loved him, how could I not stand by him? He had a problem and needed help. I couldn't abandon him just because of that. So I did stick by him and I did everything I could to help him get out of trouble so that he could concentrate on getting the help he needed. Anywho, unfortunately this was not the last time something like this happened. About 5-6 months later it happened again and again another 5-6 months later and I always stayed. Hell the third time I actually fought back. Okay, so I more than fought back, I kicked his ass, I was sick and tired of being pushed around and man handled and manipulated, lied to and everything else I had been going through all while trying to be a good wife. I really wanted to make it work. I loved him so deeply and I knew he could be my ONE but he needed help and he wasn't getting it.
Child Protective Services stepped in, to my utter disappointment and told me if I didn't take the kids and leave him they would take them from me. That's when I knew I had to go. I had nowhere to go though. So, the state put the boys and I into a battered women and children's shelter. I was horrified and embarrassed and I missed my best friend. Even though I knew he wasn't himself at the moment.
After a month of being at the shelter and saving every penny from my paychecks I was finally able to afford my own apartment. It was my first on my own at all. I had lived with family until I met Sonny and we moved into together. With 2 kids (Lucas was 2 and Mark wasn't quite 1 yet) and I was scared to death. I didn't know how to manage my own house but I did it and over the next year and a half I became a very independent mother. Sonny was in and out of our lives both as a father a friend and my husband again. After living apart for so long and talking with his probation officers and councelors who all said he was doing wonderfully, we decided to try again. So, I packed up the boys and myself (and my mother and sister by this time) and we moved into his house. Conveniently located right next door to his sisters house.
Things were heaven, for a few weeks and then it came to light that he had manipulated everyone in his life and was drinking (heavily) the entire time. He stooped so low, as to hide in the closet when I came home from work one day because he was drunk. A month and 4 days after we moved in, I had to call the police again. I was truly devastated. I knew it was over and 30 days after he left our home again (he was staying with friends) I filed for divorce. My bosses approached me about relocating and I thought it was perfect timing. I accepted and as soon as the divorce was finalized, i packed up the van with as much as it could carry and the boys, my mom and I headed off to Colorado. we stayed there 10 months (another story for another day) and then Sonny actually flew to Colorado to drive us back to Oregon. To our home, where we belonged. Not to Sonnys house, he had a girlfriend (again another story) but to a home of our own not horribly far away. We had talked a lot about him moving up towards us (he said he was leaving his girlfriend - they'd only been together a month or so) and we started making plans to not be together but to work on us as parents and maybe one day.... well we never finished it. He had done so well since we left, the whole trip home (almost 3 full days) we talked and laughed and joked and I realized he was the man I had llen in love with again and it was a bittersweet emotion I felt. I was happy he was back and in my life and so sad that we were not together. Bittersweet the taste.
Anyway.. sorry, I warned previous readers I get long winded. Sonny was on his way to my house to help us unpack and spend time as a family when he was in a car accident. It was his fault and he was not injured (and neither was anyone else THANK GOD) but he was drunk and drinking and driving. He was arrested and booked and spent the last 2 months in county jail while going to court and being sentenced to 14 months in prison. Probation violation so they revoked his probation and we found out yesterday that he is going to prison. He was sent away yesterday to intake which means right before Christmas he is out of contact.
Thus why it has been so hard on the boys and I this year. Even though we have had our issues we have ALWAYS been together on Christmas, until this year. Its really hard on Lucas, Mark has ADHD so he doesn't pay attention much but mentions daddy every once in a while and me.... well.. my best friend is gone and I cant get him back and I don't know what to do. There is more to all of this story but the bottom line is I miss my best friend.
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Almost 6 years ago (it'll be 6 years ago this spring), I met the love of my life. The only person in the world that could understand everything about me. The only person (of the opposite sex) that wouldn't ever judge me for past transgressions, he had plenty of his own (I learned over the years). From the moment we met, he was my best friend. I was a school girl with him. We stayed up late and talked for hours on end without it being sexual. Over the course of the next month he would become my closest friend and I felt comfortable telling him everything. He was a recovering (at least I thought he was in recovery) meth addict. I didnt judge him, who was I to judge him? He wanted to do better and was trying, so I wouldnt abandon him. About 2 months into our friendship (the first month we were strictly friends) I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 and he was 29. He already had 3 kids and we weren't expecting this at all. Getting to detailed I suppose... Over the next 2 years we ended up having 2 kids all together. You met them earlier :) Sonny was finally able to kick the Meth habit (when our oldest was a newborn) We got engaged and became even closer, if that was possible. Sonny however, has a very addictive personality and started drinking more and more often. I didn't see the red flags at first but after our youngest was about 3-4 months old, we had our first "incident" and he was sent to jail for assault IV: domestic violence. It was a very rough time for us. We were scheduled to be married less than 30 days later. I know, a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, DONT DO IT, but I did, against everyone's advice. I loved him, how could I not stand by him? He had a problem and needed help. I couldn't abandon him just because of that. So I did stick by him and I did everything I could to help him get out of trouble so that he could concentrate on getting the help he needed. Anywho, unfortunately this was not the last time something like this happened. About 5-6 months later it happened again and again another 5-6 months later and I always stayed. Hell the third time I actually fought back. Okay, so I more than fought back, I kicked his ass, I was sick and tired of being pushed around and man handled and manipulated, lied to and everything else I had been going through all while trying to be a good wife. I really wanted to make it work. I loved him so deeply and I knew he could be my ONE but he needed help and he wasn't getting it.
Child Protective Services stepped in, to my utter disappointment and told me if I didn't take the kids and leave him they would take them from me. That's when I knew I had to go. I had nowhere to go though. So, the state put the boys and I into a battered women and children's shelter. I was horrified and embarrassed and I missed my best friend. Even though I knew he wasn't himself at the moment.
After a month of being at the shelter and saving every penny from my paychecks I was finally able to afford my own apartment. It was my first on my own at all. I had lived with family until I met Sonny and we moved into together. With 2 kids (Lucas was 2 and Mark wasn't quite 1 yet) and I was scared to death. I didn't know how to manage my own house but I did it and over the next year and a half I became a very independent mother. Sonny was in and out of our lives both as a father a friend and my husband again. After living apart for so long and talking with his probation officers and councelors who all said he was doing wonderfully, we decided to try again. So, I packed up the boys and myself (and my mother and sister by this time) and we moved into his house. Conveniently located right next door to his sisters house.
Things were heaven, for a few weeks and then it came to light that he had manipulated everyone in his life and was drinking (heavily) the entire time. He stooped so low, as to hide in the closet when I came home from work one day because he was drunk. A month and 4 days after we moved in, I had to call the police again. I was truly devastated. I knew it was over and 30 days after he left our home again (he was staying with friends) I filed for divorce. My bosses approached me about relocating and I thought it was perfect timing. I accepted and as soon as the divorce was finalized, i packed up the van with as much as it could carry and the boys, my mom and I headed off to Colorado. we stayed there 10 months (another story for another day) and then Sonny actually flew to Colorado to drive us back to Oregon. To our home, where we belonged. Not to Sonnys house, he had a girlfriend (again another story) but to a home of our own not horribly far away. We had talked a lot about him moving up towards us (he said he was leaving his girlfriend - they'd only been together a month or so) and we started making plans to not be together but to work on us as parents and maybe one day.... well we never finished it. He had done so well since we left, the whole trip home (almost 3 full days) we talked and laughed and joked and I realized he was the man I had llen in love with again and it was a bittersweet emotion I felt. I was happy he was back and in my life and so sad that we were not together. Bittersweet the taste.
Anyway.. sorry, I warned previous readers I get long winded. Sonny was on his way to my house to help us unpack and spend time as a family when he was in a car accident. It was his fault and he was not injured (and neither was anyone else THANK GOD) but he was drunk and drinking and driving. He was arrested and booked and spent the last 2 months in county jail while going to court and being sentenced to 14 months in prison. Probation violation so they revoked his probation and we found out yesterday that he is going to prison. He was sent away yesterday to intake which means right before Christmas he is out of contact.
Thus why it has been so hard on the boys and I this year. Even though we have had our issues we have ALWAYS been together on Christmas, until this year. Its really hard on Lucas, Mark has ADHD so he doesn't pay attention much but mentions daddy every once in a while and me.... well.. my best friend is gone and I cant get him back and I don't know what to do. There is more to all of this story but the bottom line is I miss my best friend.
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Friday, December 23, 2011
My Family
So let me take this opportunity to introduce you to my family and give you some background on me and my life. I am a single mother to two of the most handsome boys I've ever met, and pregnant with my little girl. I am recently divorced. I moved away from my hometown once the divorce was finalized to get some distance from my husband(but have since moved back). We have spent the last 2 years of our 6 year relationship going in circles; splitting up and getting back together. It's been a vicious cycle and I thought moving myself and my children (and my mother) away would provide some much needed space for closure. That was not the case. BUT I digress, the story of that relationship is for another day. I live with my two children and my mother, who came to live with me just under two years ago. She is a wonderful woman but has some mental issues that leave her unable to maintain her own home. So she came to live with me with my sister who was 16 at the time (again, another story for another day.)
This is my oldest son: Lucas Michael. He will be 5 at the end of January. YIKES!!! He was almost 9lbs at birth and has stayed in the 98-99 percentile his whole life. Hes going to be my linebacker one day (Hopefully!!).
Next is my monster. Mark Edward who turns 4 in July. He was also almost 9lbs at birth but has remained my little guy unlike his brother. He is shorter and slightly stockier but has the energy of a heard of wild mustangs. He is my "problem child", full of energy and has the attitude to match. His favorite words are NO and Negative. He loves to test his limits and see how much he can get away with.
Finally, we have my angel. My little girl who is due spring of 2012. I feel like Ive been waiting for her my entire life. I will be naming her Olivia Marie and I hope she will be smaller than her brothers (here's hoping). She is very active, compared to the boys in-utero and already seems to be quite the little diva as she has forced cravings upon me which I normally wouldn't go for. (I didn't have any cravings with the boys at all)
My mother lives with us and has been a great help to us as I was put on bed rest at 7 weeks gestation for having sever placenta previa. I also have a weakened cervix due to stage 2 cervical cancer. So she does just about everything for me.
So that's us. My happy little family. Ill talk more about my extended family as the time goes by! I am looking forward to becoming a more seasoned blogger. Im off to finish up our Christmas wrapping and then to bed I go. My goal tomorrow is to keep these kiddos as active as possible so that when it comes time for bed tomorrow night, I wont have an issue.
Nite Y'all!
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This is my oldest son: Lucas Michael. He will be 5 at the end of January. YIKES!!! He was almost 9lbs at birth and has stayed in the 98-99 percentile his whole life. Hes going to be my linebacker one day (Hopefully!!).
Next is my monster. Mark Edward who turns 4 in July. He was also almost 9lbs at birth but has remained my little guy unlike his brother. He is shorter and slightly stockier but has the energy of a heard of wild mustangs. He is my "problem child", full of energy and has the attitude to match. His favorite words are NO and Negative. He loves to test his limits and see how much he can get away with.
Finally, we have my angel. My little girl who is due spring of 2012. I feel like Ive been waiting for her my entire life. I will be naming her Olivia Marie and I hope she will be smaller than her brothers (here's hoping). She is very active, compared to the boys in-utero and already seems to be quite the little diva as she has forced cravings upon me which I normally wouldn't go for. (I didn't have any cravings with the boys at all)
My mother lives with us and has been a great help to us as I was put on bed rest at 7 weeks gestation for having sever placenta previa. I also have a weakened cervix due to stage 2 cervical cancer. So she does just about everything for me.
So that's us. My happy little family. Ill talk more about my extended family as the time goes by! I am looking forward to becoming a more seasoned blogger. Im off to finish up our Christmas wrapping and then to bed I go. My goal tomorrow is to keep these kiddos as active as possible so that when it comes time for bed tomorrow night, I wont have an issue.
Nite Y'all!
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First Time Blogger
So, I am new to writing a blog but not new to reading them. I have a few that I follow like the daily news. However, after recent events in my life which Ill bring about in later posts, a friend of mine who is an AVID blogger suggested I make a blog and use it as a sort of "diary". With everything going on and not a lot of people who would understand where I am coming from (at least not in our circle of friends), bot of us agree that getting out whats in my mind might help alleviate some stress (and the health effects of the stress) off of my shoulders and out of my life. I saw a therapist for a while a few years ago who suggested keeping a diary or journal to help record what I feel when I feel it, as I have "issues" with getting things out in the open. So I figured, why not, Ill give it a go. Maybe it CAN help. Maybe not but lets stay positive right?
so for those of you English buffs out there who may be reading this, I am horrible when it comes to spelling and grammar usage, so I apologize in advance for all the thousands of errors I am sure you will find throughout my writing. I will be using Microsoft Word to help me eliminate some of those errors but as my grades proved, Microsfot Word is not as infallible as I once thought. I will do my very best to try to make sure my writing is as grammatically acceptab as possible, but I cant make any promises.
So as my first post, I would say this was generally easy. Just say whats on my mind. I'm sure as I progress to a more matured blogger I will most likely begin to rant and rave and as Ive been told I do frequently, I will ramble. BUT lets just see where this goes!
Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. ~E.L. Doctorow
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