Ive been at Chel's for going on 5 days now and Ive had the opportunity to see how she lives while married. Something Ive never seen her do before. I have to say in the last 4 days, Ive learned a lot about myself, which I wasn't expecting when I came down here. I'm having so much fun just hanging out and being with her and her family and my family, its unreal. I missed her so much and I didn't even realize it. I did, but I didn't.
Today I saw Chel and hubby in a situation I perceived as intimate. Don't get me wrong it was completely innocent but from where I was standing it looked like it was a precursor to some sexy time. It didn't bother me.... other than the fact I'm lonely but I was a tad uncomfy because I didn't think I was supposed to witness that moment. I walked away as quickly as I could and went about my business. Well, Chel and I were talking a little later and I mentioned what I saw and we had a pretty lengthy convo about how my brain seems to work. LOL
Let me back up a bit.... Sonny and I are realizing more and more that our biggest issue is communication. Tonight, I had a brain fart and realized I had been perceiving his action as "perverted" for years. I don't know WHY I think this way... yet, but from what Chel and I (and Hubby and Ed) could gather is that for whatever reason, I don't know the boundary line of being loved on and being pulled into sexy time. Like I said for years Sonny has always put himself out there to touch me, not sexually but lets say for instance stand behind me as I do dishes and kiss my ear or even my neck or pull me into his arms and just look at me (maybe grab my butt ;P) and I would get so upset and tell him it was inappropriate (kids being awake, company over, etc) and we would fight about it because he would say he wasn't being forward and I swore he was. Eventually, he stopped reaching for me all together, which hurt me. Chel and I spoke of how she USED to perceive the situation the same way I was perceiving it but that she realized (after meeting hubby) that she needed that little touch and that it WASN'T out of line for her children to see that her husband loved her.
I felt (feel) like such an asshole. I never believed Sonny. NEVER. All this time he could have (probably was) telling me the truth and I pushed him further and further away. I hate myself in this moment and I VOW to NEVER let it happen again. I may have to personally work on my boundaries and have him help me find a comfortable middle ground so I know where that line exists, but I need him to want me and he was trying to tell me, to show me and I wasn't responding because I didn't know it was okay. I don't know why I think this way (I do plan on trying to fin out) but for now I am content with being able to acknowledge that I am partially to blame for some of our issues.
I know its going to be so hard for us, to find our way back to each other in a married way. But I think I'm confident enough to know it will work. I am slightly doubtful because I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be hurt again, to lose my best friend again, to feel out of control in my own home again. I told Chel, that I think I need to concentrate on forgiving myself before I can truly forgive Sonny... or maybe its the other way around but I definitely need to start forgiving. Its so hard though, Ive always been the one who doesn't offer second chances (to men). Once you've broken me or hurt me in any way I'm gone. Until Sonny, Ive given him so many chances its unreal.
We have a lot of work but I think we can pull it off! Here's hoping anyway.... and praying for guidance, I'm going to need it!
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