So I am not 100% sure why it is happening now but I am falling.. not into a depression but into a rut, I think. I'm not feeling myself lately. Since Ive had Olivia, I definitely don't feel sexy in any way. Ive noticed in photos lately, I look bigger than I feel. I'm not sure how to explain it. I knew I gained a lot of weight with this pregnancy. Being on bed rest for 32 weeks will do that to anyone, but I felt "thick" not fat. That is until I saw a photo of me from this weekend at a Friends birthday party. I wanted to cry, I did a little but people were around when I saw it and I didn't want to hear the "You're beautiful" cause I know they aren't true.
Ive always been a bigger girl. My husband used to tell me I was "thick" and I believed him. I don't anymore. At the same time I have no motivation to get my ass off this couch and do something about it. I WANT to but I don't have the energy.. the time. I have so much I need to do... the 10 minutes I get to type out my blog post is almost all that I get to myself anymore. If there was one reason I wish I would have moved closer to friends it would be so that I would have someone to push me... that I could push back. I can push... others... just not myself. I'm sitting here KILLING myself because I know what needs to be done. I know I need to get up and work out and not buy cookies cause if they are in the house... I'm going to eat them. I know I need to go for a walk, a jog... whatever but I sit here and do my homework and watch the boys argue or anything else EXCEPT workout. Where do I find the self control deep down inside me and flip the switch that says GET UP? Where is it? I see so many others have it... Why cant I find it? I have a million things that SHOULD be motivating enough to get me up but physically I cant.... mentally I'm there... I'm working out every day.. looking and feeling gorgeous... physically, i haven't moved from the couch.
I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I feel ugly. I feel like a waste.
Pin It
No comments:
Post a Comment