So lately I've been
feeling pretty gross and just down on me! Being pregnant made it easy to
hide that I wasn't happy with my state of health and where I was at
physically. Now that I'm not pregnant anymore and Olivia is moving
quickly out of newborn-ness, I'm feel less than adequate. I'm sick of
being the big girl everywhere I go and I think that I may have hit rock
bottom today. Out shopping with a friend and we were looking at camping
chairs... Never realized that they had a weight limit until today. I
almost broke down. I've never felt more disgusting than at the precise
moment. It was tragic and heart breaking.... I get that I was on bed
rest and I gained a shit ton of weight because I was not medically
allowed to be active for 10 months but Im fucking livid about it. I'm
married to a man that is physically beautiful (sometimes mentally and
emotionally too :P) and I don't feel his equal. I feel like I shouldn't
be with him because he deserves a trophy wife to touch and love on and
just look at.
Point is.. I'm failing... somewhere... because usually I'm pretty good about pushing through these self-hating moments but right now.. for the past few weeks if not months... I'm failing.... I feel like I'm falling farther and farther away from reality and then I get a small pick me up and I start feeling halfway decent again... you know... some douche bag gives me a once over and for a second I'm eye candy.... and it feels good.... until I see a photo of myself and what others see me as and then all I can think of is that perv probably has some weird fat chick fetish HAHA... FML... IDK... Last night for a few hours I felt like me again. Like I fit in... Metal brings out the best in me :D What can I say haha.... I tore it up with the coolest ppl in this fucking state and for almost 24 hours.. I didn't feel that ripple in my heart.... that tear strolling down my cheek....
I'm going to fix it... don't get me wrong... yesterday.. today and many tomorrows will be full of painful workouts and discipline Ive never experienced before and Ill get back to what I was... Ill be better than I was but at this very moment.... I'm drowning in self-pity... self-hate... and I'm failing.... and I think I just needed to get it out
Point is.. I'm failing... somewhere... because usually I'm pretty good about pushing through these self-hating moments but right now.. for the past few weeks if not months... I'm failing.... I feel like I'm falling farther and farther away from reality and then I get a small pick me up and I start feeling halfway decent again... you know... some douche bag gives me a once over and for a second I'm eye candy.... and it feels good.... until I see a photo of myself and what others see me as and then all I can think of is that perv probably has some weird fat chick fetish HAHA... FML... IDK... Last night for a few hours I felt like me again. Like I fit in... Metal brings out the best in me :D What can I say haha.... I tore it up with the coolest ppl in this fucking state and for almost 24 hours.. I didn't feel that ripple in my heart.... that tear strolling down my cheek....
I'm going to fix it... don't get me wrong... yesterday.. today and many tomorrows will be full of painful workouts and discipline Ive never experienced before and Ill get back to what I was... Ill be better than I was but at this very moment.... I'm drowning in self-pity... self-hate... and I'm failing.... and I think I just needed to get it out
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