Quarter of a century old..

So in 5 days Ill hit the last milestone that I really want to think about. Ill be 25. I don't know how this happened but I can tell you I'm not too happy about it. I mean, Ive lived for a quarter of a century and the only things of importance that I have accomplished are my children. Is this odd to anyone but me?? I feel like I should be so much farther along in life. I rent my home (but we are talking about buying it) and Ive never had a new car, hell, the one I do own is falling apart on me.

IDK I just feel.... behind in some way. hopefully by 30 Ill have more to say Ive accomplished, since Ill be getting my first (of several) college degrees this year and again am hoping to make my first home purchase in the next 2. So I guess we will see where things lead....

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What would you do?

What do you do when you're very best friend in the world, screws you over. Over and over again? You walk away right? Thats what I did, eventually. So what do you do then, when that same person whom you care and love so deeply and uncontrollably, comes back into your life and seems... like they did before they started screwing you over? Do you forgive and forget?

Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

I tried, forgiving at least, Im not sure ill ever forget but when you love someone so much you want them to do well and you want them in your life. Then something happened, something that had nothing to do with me this time, not really, not like it has in the past. And my heart breaks, not for me or my kids but for him. I used to think that he did it to himself. He could stop drinking anytime he wanted to right? Well what if he couldnt? What if this "disease" was causing him to reak such havoc on his life and those surrounding him? Could you still hold it against him? I used to think I would. But the last few months have shown me a different person than that. I want to help him, I want him above all else to help himself. So Ill support him, like a good friend should.

So then what do you do, when he tells you he loves you and wants it all back when all is said and done. Remember, you love this person more than the world. The only thing above him are your children. And now, he is faced with actually being held accountable for his actions FINALLY and being forced to learn to cope and avoid his disease. Could you take him back? When he promises you the world, do you have any doubts? I do. I have a ton of doubts. Ive been through this with him time and time again. BUT. He's my best friend. I love him.

Im so lost and confused in what goes on around me because he cant prove his words to me. Not yet anyway. So would I be a moron to take the next several months to see if its worth investing in? What if there was another woman? What if she says, theyre together and getting married and blah blah blah and that she is waiting for him to come home to her? What would you think of that? Would you walk away? Not worth the fight after everything he's put you through? The children through? or does that make you want to fight. To prove he belongs to you like he always has. That you are the keeper of his heart and not someone who has been in his life a few months. Someone HE says is nothing to him and was never anything to him but a paycheck? Do you believe him? I want to, but its hard when shes right there in your face, in your life proclaiming as hers what should be yours.

What would you do? I know what I want to do. I know what others will probably say I should do. My heart tells me to go one way, my brain another. So who is right? How do I know that If I choose one over the other, either will be the right road for me? Im so afraid of walking away and losing what we have. When I married him I said " FOR BETTER OR WORSE: UNTIL DEATH DO WE PART" so what if... This is a for worse? and there are for betters coming but this is my burden to bear to earn that life of betters? Ive been told the first 10 years of marriage are the hardest. SO... what constitutes me walking away from him now?

FLIP THE COIN

What if I follow my heart and this isnt the end of the worse? What if: it happens again? What if.. he cant beat this disease? or has another relapse? 

Too many what ifs for me to handle.

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